Journal entry from Feb. 2nd, 2007
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The doc told me it'd be a couple of months before my ear returns to its normal size.
Asymmetry of my eyebrows and my ex-monroe piercing never bothered me. My ears? Train wreck. hate it. Want to tape my ear to my head. My right ear protruded prior to the surgery, but the dumbo style has been excerbated since bending my ear towards my face for hours while they played inside my head.
Tomorrow is my second appointment for my CI. I've only been able to hear a few sounds. Perhaps she'll program traffic noises tomorrow. My first few days I could barely hear the voices on the tellie at volume 53 but is now at volume 40 like it was when i wore hearing aids.
Something cool: I can listen to my music and wear my CI at the same time. I can read lips without sounds, but it's like I have three ears now. It's fascinating even though I realize that hearing people can do the same thing.
My CI is NOT "OMG WOW YAY AMAZING THANK YOU!"
How useful would sound be to you if everyone spoke a foreign language? It's just background noise until I read lips. So as far as I'm concerned, the CI as of right now is no different than a hearing aid. But maybe that will change the more I use it.
The only new sounds i've picked up is increased sensitivity to my turn signal, clocks ticking, and my slippers. I finally understand why people yelled at me for dragging my feet across the room.
I heard these sounds with my hearing aid, but the clock wasn't overbearing. I would like to replace every clock, but that would be too expensive.
Goal: Realistically, I'll always read lips, and that's fine. But if I can train my brain to interpret words, it would make group situations easier. I shy away from group situations and I'm quiet around new people because I can't read their lips yet.
I don't want to avoid group situations forever.
I don't want to give off, "stay away from me" vibes forever.
But I've long ago stopped trying to fool myself into thinking I'm NOT annoying when every 2 minutes I say:
what did you say?
repeat that?
what's the topic now?
what's so funny?
what's going on?
uh...write that down? come on, please!
I don't want to pretend. I stopped doing that a long time ago. I got tired of putting in so much effort without good times to show for it. I felt alone in groups of people. BMEFEST Mexico is the only exception. It taught me that it's possible for me to enjoy group situations under the right circumstances. I am not meant to be a wall. Being unable to understand what people said makes it nearly impossible to show the world who I am. At some point I'll figure out how to do this, but perhaps my CI will help me in that journey.
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